Valentines Day is just around the corner everyone!
The day where gifts get exchanged between lovers young and old in the pursuit of maintaining a stable relationship! Put simply, the day where you nip into Poundland and get a nice lot of Ferrero Rocher for your lover and go on to binge watch Korean Dramas with them on Netflix all day. Okay, maybe that’s just me?
In celebration of Saint Valentine’s Day – I thought I’d make a relatively simple and reasonable list for you masses of gaming lovers. I was just sitting around piling in my head what I possibly write about to celebrate a day which such rich history as Valentines Day while keeping a high level of respect and love for the day itself.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is 5 Reasons Donkey Kong Could Steal Your Significant Other!
Reason #1 – His Perfect Pearly Whites
I challenge everyone to find a gorilla with better f*cking teeth than Donkey Kong. You can’t do it. Winston or Conga? Get that ish out of here. I’m not sure how he can keep his teeth in such a well-maintained state, it honestly baffles me. But somehow DK does it with ease. His pearly whites are some of the best in gaming if I’m honest.
DK could easily roll up to you and your date, flash his chompers with a quick smile. Before you know it – BAM!
You just lost a lover.
Reason #2 – That Flawless Hairdo
Okay, so this is kind of cheating considering he’s well, nothing but hair. But his dome is one of the best Ice Cream scoop style of haircut that has ever graced the world of amazing pixels. His stylist needs a raise because you’d be hard pressed to find someone with a hairdo that flawless. Jimmy Neutron can go straight to hell because Donkey Kong has far outclassed that kid.
He’ll also simply need a comb just slick it back once, and you’ll find yourself sitting alone on Valentines Day.
Reason #3 – He’ll beat your ass.
Now. Donkey Kong is a gorilla. He’s a dominant member of the animal kingdom. So it kind of goes without saying that getting into an altercation with a Gorilla is a terrible idea. Trust me; I’ve already gotten banned from 3 different Wildlife Preserves in pursuit of confirmation of this fact. Do not try to fist fight a Gorilla.
But Donkey Kong is a whole other breed of fighter. He’s a boxing specialist. His appearance in Punch-Out is proof of this. He’ll not only whoop your butt but steal your lover afterward.
Reason #4 – He’s a member of the DK Crew.
Roses are Red. Violets are Blue. He’s a member of the DK Crew and better than you. Yes, Donkey Kong is part of the exclusive DK Crew which host the likes of many of the Kong Family! Both young and old are part of this group. But you know who isn’t? You. You aren’t a DK Crew member! You never could be and never will be. I mean, what are you? An accountant? Get that out of here.
Consider yourself single when Donkey Kong rolls up offering a spot to your love in the DK Crew. That’s a relationship ended right there.
Reason #5 – He is skilled at kidnapping lovers.
He’s Donkey Kong. Don’t let his Karting or Party escapades fool you. He has made his name by kidnapping people. His first appearance involved him capturing Mario’s special lady for crying out loud. This Gorilla is a god damn expert when it comes to kidnapping, and he just can’t be stopped.
So what could you do? We already said he could beat your ass. But even if you had to try and save your dearly beloved from Donkey Kong, what on earth could you possibly do? This isn’t Harambe you’ve got on your hands. It’s mother f*cking Donkey Kong.
If Donkey Kong stole your lover, consider it over. Get yourself a Plenty of Fish profile and start looking elsewhere.
That’s my list! What did you all think? I think I managed to celebrate the pure joy that Valentines Day represents if I’m honest. My most important message is to stay safe on the special day and don’t go messing around near Donkey Kong.
Because you just can’t win that battle. I’ve already lost three different girlfriends to this animal, and I just want to warn everyone about him.