THE FUNSTOCK ADVENT CALENDAR – DECEMBER 10TH – X MARKS THE SPOT

10 = X = TREASURE!!! We all love a bit of digging in video games. Whether you’re digging for a mine-shaft in Minecraft or uprooting your newly grown turnips in Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life, the activity brings with it a calming refreshing air about it.

Unless you’re Guybrush Threepwood that is. The ‘pirate’ of Monkey Island fame seems to dig up everything possible besides actual treasure. Like the bone he has to dig up in Monkey Island II. Largo LaGrande is a short-arsed brute who’s causing trouble for everyone on Dinky Island,. Working on behalf of the ghost pirate LeChuck on the scum-ridden island, Guybrush decides he’ll sort the dwarf-sized thug out by creating a voodoo doll of him, and part of that doll requires ‘something of the dead’. In this case, Guybrush decides he’s going to take part of Largo’s grandfather’s body. And so he does, losing his trousers in the process.

At least they look fresh

Later on in the same game, he not only digs up what looks to be the world’s largest ever X, but he can’t finish the job due to hitting a layer of concrete. Out comes the dynamite, down the hole goes Guybrush, and our idiot hero finds himself stuck between a lot of rock and hard places, with only a rocky outcrop holding the long lost treasure of Big Whoop. He manages to reach it by swinging over heroically, only for the miniscule platform to disintegrate, and Guybrush ultimately finds himself swinging by a rope for 3 days, unwilling to let go of the mysterious treasure.

Just hanging

The original Monkey Island sees Guybrush dig up possibly the weirdest item in his career. In his attempt to become a fully-fledged recognised pirate, Guybrush undertakes The Three Trials set to him by the Pirate Leaders. He needs to learn how to fight with insults, become a master thief, and follow instructions to find the Treasure of Melee Island. In case you’ve never played the game because you’re an idiot who decides to ignore some of the greatest games of all time, I won’t spoil what the ‘treasure’ is, but let’s just say it’s of so little value that the Pirate Leaders tell Guybrush he can keep it because they have too many stockpiled already. I did always wonder what size it was…

SPOILERS GUYBRUSH FFS!!!

Finally, Guybrush manages to use a shovel in Curse of Monkey Island when he digs up his girlfriend who has managed to find herself turned into a golden statue because Guybrush being a cheap bastard an’ all decided to place a cursed ring he found on her finger. She eventually ends up buried on a theatre stage during a play, and Guybrush being a pain in the ass to everyone else he comes across in his life has to stop the play so he can remove her golden frame. And he does. And causes more trouble along the way after.

She’s looked worse

Our plucky adventurer did a little bit of shoveling in Tales from Monkey Island and as for Escape From Monkey Island? Let’s NEVER dig that one back up from wherever the hell it’s buried. Needless to say, Threepwood certainly seems to have a thing for his metal and wood scooper, and should he ever set out on some bonkers adventure again in our lifetime, no doubt he’ll be digging up more and more irrelevant junk!

Catch me shovelling shit @auto2112